The Vanilla Profiles
An off the cuff view of some of our 6am-ers riders from Alumni member Angelo “Vanilla Ice” Gasparini.
Jefra Shawski
Jefra Shawski is the 6am-ers lead out man. From the Czech Republic, Jefra is a descendent of Klement Gottward, the former leader of the communist Czechoslovakian government and Stalinist known for nationalising the country’s industry and farms by stealth. His cycling has followed suit as he refuses to allow other riders to breakaway and experience glory. “The peleton is king. Any rider who believes this sport is about individual should be shot. I ensure that no one passes till the end. I decide who wins and make sure all take turns at winning a race. Lance Armstrong is a selfish capitalist………”
Andrea Smitheoni
The team’s gun rider who has been groomed to win the tours. Sets the benchmark for the team with his class and consistency. His pedigree is impeccable having come from three generations of Tour De France winners. Giovanni (great grandfather), Andrea (grandfather) and Giovanni (father) are all past winners of the big one and Andrea junior is expected to follow suit. He has however, not won favour with Italian fans with his scientific approach to training and commitment to US bike technology.
Carmello Huntelli
The team’s number one sprinter is well know for his aristocrat lifestyle. Mixing with the finest of society, Huntelli is always impeccably dressed in the finest of Italian suits. In the off season, Huntelli is often seen in the Mediterranean on a yacht drinking champagne with the world’s most beautiful and richest women. The team’s gentleman, he has a reputation for his perfect riding technique and blistering speed as seen when he won gold last year’s Olympic Games. With a long list of sponsorship deals behind him and a large fan base, Huntelli is carving a prosperous media career for himself.
Bren Currenan
The son of Jonti Currenan, the famous formula one race driver from Finland, Bren took up cycling in response to his country’s call for a greener, cleaner environment. Bren is one the 6am-ers veterans and often called in as a lead out man for the team’s sprinters. Best known for his success on the velodrome, Curranen is the only professional rider known to sponsor his own team.
Ricardo Readini
Readini is the team’s most versatile rider. With his explosive speed and massive power, Readini regularly finds himself on the podium. Readini hails from a small country village in Calabria, Italy and he often reflects on his humble background for inspiration. “My family was so poor we could not afford the cows we needed to cultivate our land. Instead, I was forced to tow the hoe to dig up the ground. For my hard work, God gave me these quads and calf muscles and here I am. What a blessing. Just wish the bull from next door would’ve left me in peace”.
Pietr Shawski
Pietr Shawski is one of the 6am-ers talented riders but his form is inconsistent making it very hard for Pietr to set his mark on the sport. A recent suspension for EPO has seen him in and out of racing and is currently reviewing his future in the sport. “With the booming Chinese housing market, I don’t know if I’ll have time to ride”. While he is considering the possibility of retirement, Pietr is training solo around his local neighbourhood.
Mikhail Shawski
Younger brother of the Shawski twins, Mikhail has been signed to the 6am-er team but is not expected to become available full time until 2007. At present Mikhail is conscripted to the Czech Republic’s elite military unit where he specialises in mountain warfare. “Mikhail is very important to our unit. No one drives tank down hill faster and throws bomb out of door better than Mikhail” his leader in command has recently commented (in a thick Czech accent).
Michelle Villani
This smooth Italian is best known for his slick hair and popularity with the ladies. Although he is one of the elder statesman on the tour, Michelle is a quality climber with the potential to take out the GC in the big tours. Success in recent races has increased his popularity in Italy to cult status and is rumoured to be set for a TV career. His name has been bandied around as the new host for country’s number one TV show Mio Giardino (My Garden). Injury has recently hindered Michelle however, rumour has it that he has had a penis enlargement and once is able to keep the appendage on his slimline seat, he will be back with the team.
Christos Geordeopolous
First rider from Greece to be part of a professional cycling team. The 6am-ers recruited Geodeopolous after seeing him doing crits around the Parthenon. While its uncertain whether he was chasing a goat or a sexy young Swedish tourist, his talent was quickly identified by 6am-er management for the role as the team’s strongman. Geordeopoulos is known for his entrepreneurial style and is often seen at big races selling salted pumpkin seeds to spectators. He says he come up with the idea as child when he realised selling them at soccer matches was better than watching scoreless draws. As he got older he decided to ride his bike around the ground to increase sales. A future cycling star then was born.
Piere Deveraux
This leading French rider is another of the 6am-er cosmopolitan brigade who likes to mix it with the best of the best. Not only a quality rider but has also represented his country in swimming, marathon running and golf. An extraordinary talent, he participates in any event that takes his fancy. One day he could be in France racing in a one day classic, the next he could be swimming the English channel. The 6am-er team has recently put its foot down and requested Deveraux commit to team cycling or join the Icebergers.
Bernardo Hanchez
This cycling veteran and icon of the sport has recently come out of retirement to rejoin the 6am-er team. Having decided to take on a new challenge in 2005, Hanchez spent the year climbing Mt Everest to its highest peak only to rekindle his passion for the bike. “Nothing is going to keep this man down. I am too strong and tough to retire from cycling. No one f**ks with me. I’m back and everyone in the peleton better watch out.”
Christian Van Der Falco
Van Der Falco is Belgium’s leading rider and part of the 6am-ers younger brigade. Van Der Falco is the industry’s innovator having been the first person to connect artificial intelligence to professional cycling. It is rumoured that Microsoft have offered Van Der Falco $200 billion to buy the intellectual property rights to this innovation. “Bill Gates cant ride a bike so f**k him”. I’m going to sell it to Raimondo for Murf’s bianchi frame and our team kits” Van Der Falco was recently quoted as saying.
Andros Prestikov
Prestikov hails from Russia and is best known for his famous crashes. His suspensions for dangerous riding have totaled 453 weeks throughout his career and with a suspended sentence of 3 years over his head, Prestikov has been forced to curb his aggressive and forceful style to keep racing. His popularity in Russia is unsurpassed and his venture into music has taken the country by storm. His first single, the rap song “I smash you, you bastard” is number one in the Russian music charts. Teenagers are in awe of Prestikov and many emulating their new idol by riding their bikes into brick walls, parked cars and shopping trolleys.
Nolo Jacoberwicz
Jacoberwicz is Poland’s best ever cycling export. His family is the owner of Fartz, Europe’s leading small-goods producers. They built their company on the back of making the world’s largest sausages. So in signing Jacoberwicz, the 6am-ers gained a major sponsorship coup. Not only does the cycling team have his services but also an endless supply of protein. In return, Fartz are using Villani in their latest advertising campaign to sell their most popular sausage, Bik Dik.
Anders Taylo
Taylo is Iceland’s national road champion. A tenth generation Eskimo, Taylo took up cycling as his family could not afford the cost of petrol needed to run the generator. The generator powered up the family igloo which housed his parents and eleven siblings. To generate power, they bought Taylo a bike and windtrainer and made him ride it for 8 hours. One day, adventurers visiting his remote town discovered Taylo and organised for him to join the Iceland Institute of Sport. From there, Taylo moved from riding on snow, to trails and eventually the road. His home town has since built a statue of ice with him powering on his two wheeler. Now making a living as a professional cyclist, he has since moved his family to Australia where electricity is plentiful.
Waldo Flintz
Flitnz is as tough as German can be. Growing up in the ghettos of the former East Germany, he raided obsolete tanks left by the communist government to build his own bikes. What he didn’t need, he ate for dinner. Rumour has it that the parts were laced with minute amounts of radioactive waste. This we are now led to believe to have attributed to Flintz’s sublime calf and quad muscles that unfortunately don’t match his big head and square torso. Despite growing under an oppressive regime, Flintz is now enjoying the capitalist lifestyle that joining the 6am-ers has now given him. “I thought living in Aboc was normal. But since becoming a member of the 6am-er cycling team I now see what the world has to offer. Although Aboc’s mayor, Carl Brewitz offered me the key of the city to return, I told him, “the world is a much bigger place. I now prefer to eat powerbars than spent land mines”.
Stel Oller-Oller
We all know of Stel Oller-Oller, Sweden’s famous child actor . Every child in the world would have at some stage seen this child actor on TV. Famous for his role as Stig, the orphan who one day went for a walk and got lost. Every week we waited to see how close he would come to finding his family only to turn off the road at the wrong time. Unfortunately, Stel’s acting career was short lived as he failed to capture the hearts of adults and kids became scared of him. “When I stopped growing it seems that producers couldn’t see the real actor in me. All they could see was Stig with muscle and facial hair. So I had two choices – take on permanent unemployment benefits or become a cyclist.” We all know what he chose and the 6am-ers cycling team was there to snap him up. The rest is history.
Barney Johns
Barney Johns is the son of Magnus Johns who created the latex tyre tube. Magnus Johns started his condom manufacturing business in 1980 when he patented the mega-condom which was unbreakable. He soon followed by creating the mega-tube which has made bike punctures a thing of the past. Barney Johns entered the family business as a teenager and was assigned to their testing division. But after showing an apathy for business but an enthusiasm for actually testing condoms himself, his father redeployed him to the bicycle division. Barney jumped into his new role of testing bicycles with the same enthusiasm he showed to condoms and through this, his great talent for cycling was identified. There began Barney Johns career as a cyclist. While the 6am-er racing team would expect a constant supply of products from the family business, they however cannot as the business sponsors a rival cycling team.
Pete Betles
Pete Betles’ ambition was to become a piano player. Having starting playing when he was three, his world became one of black and white keys with never ending practice and recitals taking him all over Scandinavia. Unfortunately, Betles lost his hearing after accidentally walking into a fireworks display on New Year’s Eve and since then, became tone deaf. His days as a prominent pianist were over. To assist him with his rehabilitation, his mother bought him a racing bike and told him “Pete, go out and ride in the hills. There you wont need your ears, just pedal as fast as you can.” As pedal fast he did becoming Finland’s greatest cycling talent and has been their national champion every year since 2002. With such good form, its no wonder he is now part of the 6am-er squad.
